Yesterday morning on South Second Street, some unlucky contractor played an extremely expensive game of Operation and hit the jackpot — a natural gas line. Witnesses reported the kind of hissing sound that makes your butthole pucker from three blocks away. Fire crews, police, and Piedmont Natural Gas descended on the scene faster than you can say “please don’t blow up the Bojangles.”

Thankfully, nobody got hurt, which is genuinely the only part of this we’re not allowed to make fun of. The road got shut down, traffic got rerouted through what I’m sure was someone’s personal hell, and first responders had to stand around in full gear pretending they weren’t judging the construction crew’s life choices. Smithfield stayed un-exploded, so we’ll call it a win.

Look, we’ve all had bad days at work. Most of us just get yelled at by our boss. This poor bastard got to explain to an entire fire department why the dirt looked suspicious. Respect. At least now they have a story that starts with “This one time I almost turned South Second Street into a flamethrower…”

The road should be back open soon, assuming nobody else feels like playing underground piñata. In the meantime, if you smell gas, maybe don’t investigate it yourself. Just a thought.